Thursday, March 13, 2014

A Year of Something New

On my birthday last year, being somewhat scientifically minded, I decided to run an experiment.  The goal:  experience something new, anything, each day for the next 365 days and chronicle it.  Why?  Well, I was curious to see if I could do it, but mostly to avoid getting caught up in a day-to-day rut that often clouds the sense of wonder and joy that each day has to offer.   Living in Sedona, there is no excuse to ever be grumpy, yet I’ve seen it happen and I was certain that it was avoidable and had some connection to losing our sense of wonder, even in this wondrous town.  I set out to prove my theory that positive transformation awaited, if only I’d get up off the couch and go experience something and quit grumbling about rut worthy things.  I started a journal, capturing not only the actual experiences, but often the reason behind why I thought it was noteworthy.  It’s from those entries that I learned the most about what I found to be valuable and important.

As I read through my notes to prepare for this piece, I smiled.  It’s been a hell of a year.  More so than I even remembered until I read the words on the page.  All of those emotions flooded back and played themselves out in the theatre of my mind’s eye like a memory slide show video montage.  The only thing missing was the background sound track mash-up that I’m sure included all my favorite ‘70s and ‘80s road trip tunes.  You know, the ones that make you sing along so loud you don’t realize the cop behind you is gonna give you a ticket if you don’t take your food off the gas?  Fortunately, that only happened once this past year.   And I deserved the ticket.  I was going way too fast and was way too happy about it.  But it did give me the new experience of taking defensive driving online thru Comedy Central which was actually kind of entertaining, so hey, let’s make lemonade out of it, right? 

So what was last year all about?   What was the common theme running thru everything?  If I had to pin it down to a one line statement, I’d have to say  Step up and claim your happiness.”  It took several forms but they all seemed to support this common goal, which I didn’t even know I had until I had achieved it.  There seemed to be a healthy balance of external as well as internal experiences.   Lots of new people, things, places, and scenic road trips that always renew my soul.  It was also about deepening connections, past and present.  Lots of historical explorations and meaningful, one-on-one time with an abundance of interesting folks, existing and new, in my life.   Lots of new restaurants (Harry’s Hideaway in Cornville is my new absolute favorite, rivaled only by the Lost Dutchman’s Hideout near Apache Junction) and culinary experiences, some in my own kitchen, made the list.  I saw some amazing performances from the amazing Dia de Los Muertos performance of fire spinning and jazz, to belly dance and Native American showcases.  It was an honor to attend and cheer on many of my good friends who performed.  I also attended fests that joyously celebrated books and beer in the form of the Sedona Book Festival to the first Red Rocks Ocktober fest, even volunteering to dress in a traditional German dirndl to greet guests.  Oh yeah, and I moved this past summer.  If a new environment and new view doesn’t give a psychological reset, I don’t know what does.  It’s been downright zen-like to watch the sun rise every morning and set each evening on the red rocks just past my patio.  I’ve also seen my fair share of interesting creatures this year, including bluebirds, quail, rattlesnakes, spiders (big ass scary ones inside the house!) and coyotes, javelinas, and gorgeous bobcats, most of which have decided my back patio is a wildlife super highway.  Lucky me!

If happiness was the primary theme, exploration and learning were close seconds.  I wandered through, around, over, and under an assortment of historical sites, museums and structures.  And I did a lot of hiking.  Fortunately, I did not fall off any ledges or require any tetanus shots from climbing on old rusty things, though my hiking boots might be a little worse for wear from a wee little slip into the waters of Oak Creek…whoops!  Who knew dusty, sandy 800+ year old indian caves and cliff dwelling ruins (I will be eternally grateful to Gary Every for introducing me to my new favorite past time of crawling around in caves!) could be so transformative and uplifting?  Certainly not me.  I also had no idea that meditative dance, in the form of belly dancing, could bring so much healing, laughter and friendship, not to mention an extra little bit of gracefulness in case I stumble on my next cave climbing adventure and need a smooth way to shimmy and body undulate out of a faux pas or cave floor face plant!  Apparently, I was clueless about a lot of things when I started this journey, but that was kind of the point.   I most certainly learned something, I transformed, I was happy.

It wasn’t all cupcakes and roses, though I gotta say, the homemade cupcakes at Wild Rose Tea House in the Old Cottonwood Jail (another new discovery!) are pretty darn tasty and the roses I cut from my new garden are more fragrant than any I bought in a store.  There were also moments of deep sadness, of grief, of saying good bye to people I’d loved, of loss, of the disappointment and hurt of unexpected betrayal by some of the very people who held my trust the most.  Moments of making hard choices, that were essential to healing and recommitting to a life of happiness.  Even so, I found that I still had no regrets.  There was NOT ONE thing I would’ve done differently because I realized I was as true to myself in each moment as I could be and that was most important, regardless of outcome.  I vowed not to let grief dampen courage and joy or impede the commitment I’d made to my own happiness and well being.  If that included walking away from anything or anyone that did impeded that, so be it.  Doesn’t make the pain of those losses any less painful, or those experience any less meaningful, just a bit more understandable, and a tiny bit more tolerable.  A worthwhile price to pay to maintain inner wellness and honor my commitments to myself.

I had no idea what other opportunities awaited if I just trusted, just a little bit.   Until I did it.  WOW!  I love my job for the first time in more years than I can count and am happier than I ever have been, professionally speaking.  Probably because I finally left what didn’t work behind and embraced what did and changed jobs.  I was also able to lay the foundation for a new business start up I’ve been talking about for years.  It’s really happening now and I’m still a little stunned.  In its infancy, I can’t wait to see where this goes.  Even my art is being taken in a different direction and it’s interesting to explore content and media I’ve never tried before.  The art is selling fairly consistently, the book is almost done and there are several venues encouraging me to sell both.  Never imagined the hobbies and pie-in-the-sky dreams would manifest into something real, but there we go.  Transformation.  Something new.

The experiment results were in and boy, was I right! I didn’t log a something new every single day but I came darn pretty close.  Most of the days that are missing entries are more likely due to the fact that I was too busy out there experiencing the new things that I forgot to write them down and then could no longer remember when I finally remembered to chronicle.  Oh well.  Maybe I’ll do better next year.  Probably not.  This past year had so much to teach me about the world around me, inside me, our shared past and my own hopes for the future.   Mostly, it was a sweet reminder of just how blessed I was and reinstated my gratitude for how much wonder was still out there to be discovered and the strong support system I had helping me along, cheering me on (You know who you are and I love you all!)  It gave me so many new things to look forward to.  It reminded me of the deep, wonderful connections I had with the people in my life that really matter.  It renewed my hope, reconfirmed my joy and made me excited for discoveries yet to come.  Most importantly, it reminded me who I was, encouraged me to step up and out in courage and go live in happiness.  

I can’t wait to see what’s up next!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Whack of Creativity

Why do artists create art?   I’m sure there are many theories, but a common, underlying force that permeates all the others is, because, quite simply, they have to.  When Creativity hits, it typically smacks you upside the head, or punches you in the gut, kicks you in the ass, etc… you get the idea.   You never see it coming but once it’s there, it will not be denied.

Not all art is pretty and flowery and full of sunshine and butterflies.   Not all art can leave us feeling with same warm tingling of a tummy full of Mom’s apple pie .  As much as an artist might want to share a positive experience, a happy uplifting take away, it’s not really up to them to dictate.   Anyone who has ever tried to control the outcome of a piece of art knows what I mean.  Good luck with that.   Creativity just laughs at you and the piece turns out the way it wants to anyway.   If it has a story to tell, by God, it’s coming out whether you want to cover it up with a flowery blanket of nice-nice or not. And it’s usually better and more faceted than you could have designed in your logical brain anyway, if you will just let it have it’s way.   Best to know when to give in gracefully.

I had heard this before:  Do not try to be too comfortable.   Embrace the discomfort.   It is important to let it wash over you and just feel, not think.   Ok, I thought, I can do that.   But how often do we actually let the notion of “uncomfortable”  settle in our bones and allow ourselves to stay there, in that space, no matter how creatively productive it might be?    Probably not often enough, because, well, honestly, it’s .. um, uncomfortable, duh!  But beware, if you don’t embrace it, Creativity will stalk you like a bobcat eyeing the next dinner morsel.  It will pounce out of nowhere and smack the shit out of you and before you know it, you will be spiraling into the depths of the very uncomfortableness you were working so futilely to avoid.  

Here’s a typical scenario:  Just when you think you are planning on enjoying a nice quiet day, making nice quiet art, or happily enjoying the harmony that you so effectively orchestrated in your personal world, Creativity laughs a wicked sneer and says… “Oh yeah?  Watch this!”  Before you know it, a raw emotion, yanked unceremoniously from your belly where you’d effectively stuffed it for years, is shoved hard in your face.  “Look at me!” It demands!   “DO something!” It commands.   All the pain, anger and whatever the hell was buried along with it is now alarmingly staring you in the eyes, demanding acknowledgement.”  What choice do you have, really?

Plunged into the depths of the subconscious, you flail, grasping for the life raft of balance and order that is no where to be found.  The dark, cold waters of the creative undertow has grabbed hold.   Now you’re spiraling down into the icy, hidden caverns of the psyche, swimming thru lost caverns of forgotten dreams and where the grief and disappointment of dashed hopes live.  But in those depths, in that pool of discomfort, lies the very thing that ignites the necessary spark to your next masterpiece.   Do you have the courage to face it?  Will you dive deeper to find unknown treasures or will you kick and gasp for air, panicked, suppressing those processes again, haunted by them as they lurk just below the subconscious surface, until they try to snatch you up again?   Creativity boldly confronts you “Do you really want to be artist or do you want to hide?”  You decide.

In a recent interview with Bruce Springsteen, I just heard it again.  He discussed this very thing as it related to the thrust of where his music comes from.  It’s an answer to this internal sense of uncomfortableness with something that is seeking expression, that must be expressed.  He said he makes music and performs because he “has to.”  It made complete sense to me and also made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as Creativity smacked me in the head, again, saying “See?!!  I told you!  Now go DO SOMETHING!”


And so, compelled, the artist, must find an expression for that spark, no matter how peaceful of a day they had planned.  That very uncomfortableness leads them on a journey thru which they are transformed.  By the end of the piece, they are often as surprised as the audience at what actually appears on the canvas.  It is not planned.  It is not controlled.  It is simply there, allowed to exist in the light of day and expressed, in all of its messy, complicated, raw, unresolved glory.   And the artist breathes a sigh of relief.  And Creativity smirks “See?  Told ya so!”  just as it’s getting ready to smack you upside the head, yet again…